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Name: Jessica
Gender: Female


Interests: I enjoy just about everything...I'm not too picky.


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MSN: darkangel_2185@hotmail.com


Member Since: 4/22/2007

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

I would have given everything for you...but somehow you just couldn’t see that...and now it’s too late to do anything...because you pushed me away...and now you’re gone...and I feel so lost...because you touched me so deeply....you just couldn’t see how much I love you...and you lead me to believe that you loved me...when the truth was...that you really didn’t...and I watched you walk away today...and you still won’t ever know how much I love you...I probably won’t ever see you again either...and I don’t know if I will ever be okay...because I can’t tell this to anyone...you don’t understand how much I have hurt these past six months...trying to get through to you....fighting for you....doing everything I could to make you happy...and it still wasn’t enough...because all you could ever think about was her...you lived in the past...and blocked me out...you made up your own world that I was barely a part of....because you love her...not me....and you couldn’t see the love in me that I had for you...and now I am sitting here...fighting back tears....

what hurts the most...was being so close....and having so much to say...

and now we will never know what could have been....because you are gone....and now I have to deal with losing you...everyday...every time I see or here something that reminds me of you...I try not to think about you...because by not thinking about you...I might be able to forget and deal with the pain...but I can’t seem to do that...I wish so much that things could have been different...that something could have changed....but it can’t...and I know that I can’t do anything to change what has happened with us....but that doesn’t keep from wishing....and hoping...and praying...that someday that might change...even though deep down...I know it won’t.


Sunday, May 06, 2007

I'm so tired of everything. I completely broke down tonight because all of the frustration of not understanding Calc. 2 added to the frustration of Aaron contacting me again...I just want to do well on my test tomorrow and I am barely understanding everything, there is so much material to understand in so little time. Not to mention I once again have the stress of Aaron and trying to figure out what I want to do with that. I don't know what I want. I would like to stay friends with him but after everything I question if it is even worth it. After he lied to me about so much and lead me on multiple times, what's to say that wouldn't happen again if we were to become friends again? I'm tired of all this drama and I just wish it was summer so I could get away from it all. I can't even tell how sincere Aaron is being anymore so that doesn't help ease that stress. Why can't it be easy? oh yeah, because God decided he wanted to have a sense of humor! AHHH!!!

I need to keep working out for the Air Force Academy. I haven't been doing so well sticking with my schedule but I barely have time for anything outside of Calc.2 and community service....

Oh, and I keep forgetting it's my 16th birthday on Thursday. woohoo....I'm so excited....not really....I really hope it is good...and I hope Prom this coming weekend is good....


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

May Session

So it's May session at the Missouri Academy....and I am pretty sure Calc. 2 is going to consume my soul. I'm so glad I don't have Micro though, that would really suck and I feel sorry for the people that do. We have already covered half a chapter and our first test is Thursday! Man....talk about a great month. lol.

I kinda forgot to eat until dinner, so needless to say I got to scrub a pool with acid on an empty stomach...talk about a bad deal. Oh well...for the most part the community service at the pool isn't too bad besides the fact that we end up doing all of the workers chores. Lazy college students....

Anyway, I really need to finish my application for CL....I really hope I get it. I think it would be AMAZING! I also can't wait until my sending school's Prom this weekend, that will be...interesting to say the least. I need to remember to workout too so I can get in shape for the Air Force Academy fitness test that I will probably take this fall. yay for too much to do and not enough time do accomplish everything...


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Does he not realize how hard this is for me? He stands there and glares at me like I am the worst person in the world when he did this to himself...I finally realized that I wasn't being treated properly...What am I supposed to do? Sit there like last time and put up with the same shit? I couldn't do that to myself again...and every signal that was coming from him was that he didn't care...that he never had...how am I supposed to deal with that? It is killing me and I hate the fact that I don't know if it has affected him...I don't regret anything that happened with us but one thing I do wish is that things would have worked out differently. I hate having to live with this pain...and if there was anything I could do to change things I would.

"You don't stop loving someone, you simply learn to live without them."
"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."


Sunday, April 22, 2007

From the heart...

Sometimes you wonder 'was it me?', 'what did i do to deserve this?', 'how can i make things right?'
Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one
The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed.
The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried
your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.
Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going.
The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend,
one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you.
if i've learned anything in life, its that we hold on to things that are meant to be torn apart. if its not working, let it go!
We deserve something, and this is our tribute.
Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.
We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while.
We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again.
We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.
Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.
Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so
desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early.
you thought you were in love, but if love hurts then it
WONT WORK!
We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us.
We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.
Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today.
The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.
This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".
Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again.
This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so."
it was good while it lasted but now that its over it hurts...
The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.
We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.
Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them.
Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.
Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.
This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.
Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt.
Remember the times you cried, and how long it
took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
he made it so hard to trust someone
he made it so hard to fall in love...
******When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.*********
One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.
This is for those girls, who fell back in love with their ex, only to
get hurt all over again.



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